I bumped into Reg and Nigel coming out of the Co-op again this morning. They had bags and arms full of bottles of wine and 4-packs of Stella Artois lager. Unlike last time, they appeared to be quite sober.
‘Planning another daytime drinking session, chaps?’ I asked breezily.
‘We’re celebrating,’ Nigel beamed.
‘You were last time if I [...]

No.56
You will fall asleep in R.E. The teacher, Mr Hook, who looks like a baby-eating troll, will throw a King James bible at you. He will ask you this: ‘Having a nice dream, Lawrence? Would you like to share it with the class?’
To which you will reply: ‘I was dreaming about Jesus, sir.’ (You were [...]

My mother and idiot stepfather John called to see me yesterday. (Well, to be honest, I don’t think either of them are that bothered about seeing me; it’s Audrey they really come to visit.)
When they arrived, John thrust a box of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts at me. ‘Have one of these. They’re gorgeous.’
‘No thanks, John,’ I [...]

No.55
You will realise you left something behind. You will not be able to remember what it is. When you do, it will be too late to go back and get it.
(I went back to get mine only to discover that I had it with me all the time.)

‘It’s like, freaky, man. Real freaky.’
‘Since when have you been a hippy from the sixties, Nigel?’ (As you are probably aware, Reg’s pretentious friend sets my teeth on edge, even more so when he speaks to me with a bizarre accent.)
‘You look like an Irwin, man.’
‘Eh?’
‘You look like your name should be Irwin. Irwin Lawrence.’
‘Have [...]

‘My Christmas was shit.’
‘Thanks for telling me that, Reg.’
‘How was your Christmas?’
‘Rather irksome. Not shit.’
‘I bet you had as bad a time as me. Go on, you did didn’t you?’
‘What did you do that was so awful, Reg?’
‘I spent about ten days getting totally rat-arsed with Nigel.’
‘Sounds wonderful.’
‘What did you do, Davy-me-lad?’
‘Pretty much the same [...]

Bah, humbug.
Too much work here at Enormous Towers to even begin thinking about kicking back and celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus.
Okay, maybe I’ll take a couple of hours off on Christmas Day.
And of course, Nelson Galaxy will be ‘taking me out’ on Boxing Day.
But apart from that, it’s just work, work, work for [...]

If I were being honest with you, walking around the village and talking to fellow dog-walkers is usually not too disagreeable an experience – providing one has a high tolerance for mundanity and repetition. (You also get to hear an awful lot about people’s illnesses.) But I was talking to an rather exasperating old chap [...]

I saw Nigel in the village yesterday about to cross the road in front of an oncoming double-decker school bus.
I quickly grabbed his arm and manhandled him back on to the pavement.
‘Careful, Ian. We nearly lost you there.’
‘Ian?‘
‘Sorry, Nigel. I don’t know why I called you Ian.’
‘People often call me Ian, for some reason,’ he [...]

No.54
You will spill a pint of lager over someone you are trying to chat up.
Later, she will tell you that she thinks you are ‘really sweet’ but that she doesn’t want a ’serious-type of relationship kind-of-thing.’
This is what you will tell her: ‘So do I, neither. How about a quick shag?’
You will be slapped hard [...]