I was accosted by not one but two annoying men this morning.
First, punk drummer Sonny Starr who is so thick that light actually bends around him rang about eight o’clock this morning pleading for some ‘emergency studio time’. Apparently, his band Vince World and the Powertoys whose songs about ‘hot chicks’ with long legs and [...]

I bumped into Reg and Nigel coming out of the Co-op again this morning. They had bags and arms full of bottles of wine and 4-packs of Stella Artois lager. Unlike last time, they appeared to be quite sober.
‘Planning another daytime drinking session, chaps?’ I asked breezily.
‘We’re celebrating,’ Nigel beamed.
‘You were last time if I [...]

No.56
You will fall asleep in R.E. The teacher, Mr Hook, who looks like a baby-eating troll, will throw a King James bible at you. He will ask you this: ‘Having a nice dream, Lawrence? Would you like to share it with the class?’
To which you will reply: ‘I was dreaming about Jesus, sir.’ (You were [...]

I took a calculated risk and parked on the double-yellow lines outside Mishri’s Newsagents on the way back from the rehearsal on Sunday.
There were one or two dribbling slack-jawed yokels in the aisles so I went straight to the counter. ‘Can I have a box of that lovely Earl Grey tea you stock, please, Mr [...]

My mum gave me two bottles of wine yesterday that she had left over from Christmas. ‘Don’t tell John – he’ll be really angry with me,’ she said, with genuine concern in her eyes.
Last night, I had just finished the vocal to new song The Girl Who Turned Into Herself, and, as I was tidying [...]

My mother and idiot stepfather John called to see me yesterday. (Well, to be honest, I don’t think either of them are that bothered about seeing me; it’s Audrey they really come to visit.)
When they arrived, John thrust a box of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts at me. ‘Have one of these. They’re gorgeous.’
‘No thanks, John,’ I [...]

‘Hello, Nigel. Is Reg there?’
‘You’re early.’
Indeed. I often come prematurely.’
‘Eh?’
‘I told told you before, Nige, I just can’t resist a comedy open goal when I see one.’
Reg had asked me to call at his house to help him with a problem he was having with his computer. He was nowhere to be seen.
‘Reg told me [...]

No.55
You will realise you left something behind. You will not be able to remember what it is. When you do, it will be too late to go back and get it.
(I went back to get mine only to discover that I had it with me all the time.)

‘It’s like, freaky, man. Real freaky.’
‘Since when have you been a hippy from the sixties, Nigel?’ (As you are probably aware, Reg’s pretentious friend sets my teeth on edge, even more so when he speaks to me with a bizarre accent.)
‘You look like an Irwin, man.’
‘Eh?’
‘You look like your name should be Irwin. Irwin Lawrence.’
‘Have [...]

‘My Christmas was shit.’
‘Thanks for telling me that, Reg.’
‘How was your Christmas?’
‘Rather irksome. Not shit.’
‘I bet you had as bad a time as me. Go on, you did didn’t you?’
‘What did you do that was so awful, Reg?’
‘I spent about ten days getting totally rat-arsed with Nigel.’
‘Sounds wonderful.’
‘What did you do, Davy-me-lad?’
‘Pretty much the same [...]